To me success is something I’ve only been dreaming about!

 I haven’t tasted success the way it’s meant nowadays. I do not own a Merc or a BMW. I do not grace Page 3 of newspapers, though I am found sometimes at the bottom-most areas of Page 1 in Sulekha. I do not own a mansion or a yacht. I do not have a super-model or even an ex-supermodel by my side. I am a complete failure. Disaster. Why, I don’t have a company. I find it hard to find some, leave alone “founding” one that the general public lusts after, to buy shares of.

By today’s standards, I am a complete washout, a derelict, a vagabond who’s a total disgrace. An example of “what not to do” if you want to really climb the pillars of success. Nobody wants to associate with me. They are afraid that they might catch my thoughts. So I am not ‘hot’ on the networking scenario.

And as for merit, ask my teachers! Go on! Make their day! They would probably lose all their propriety and do an ROFL, legs high up in the air.

So what do I do now? Of course I do want success! I crave success!  Who wouldn’t want the high life? Imagine Muuuaaahing Hilary and talking to Bill about getting Bangalored!

And sharing some wisecracks about rotten Apples. And parties. And who’s doing what with whom.

Imagine a party on a private yacht (300 footer – Look, mine is bigger) with a bevy of swimsuit models. Nice to imagine, isn’t it?

Now where do I go for the couple of billions required to fund all these? With the current speed funds trickle in, I’ll have to wait a couple of billion years, I guess. Unless I brush up on my merit and dust my networking skills.

Real networking – like say if I am short of a couple of billion, I can just call Sam and say- “Listen, dude – I need some dough urgently – ok, gimme 8, no, round it off to 10, I’ll give it back after the IPO.” What’s a couple of billion to Uncle Sam, old chap – the richest man in the world. Just loose change.

Once I have that kind of dough, that kind of serious dough, I need to work on my merit. Merit has gone down these days, I heard. It comes easy! Recently I heard that you get any degree, if the price is right. I am waiting now for a market crash and then I will pick up a few fancy ones.

In the meanwhile, I saw some French sounding titles being flaunted. Those sound really good. Wonder how much they cost. They are so much cooler than a Lord. More hip and stylish, any day.

Once I solve the problems of success, networking and merit, I will be the happiest man on earth. Then I’ll get myself one supermodel on my arm.

(With due apologies to all who debated seriously on the secrets of Success)

Statutory Warning

This post is purely in good humor and those who take it seriously do so at their own risk.